Seems to me, I've gotten a bit serious with some of these posts, and just thought I'd share a couple of my favorite jokes.
While I've heard a lot of good jokes, I tend to forget them easily .. but here are some of the best ones that I do remember:
Grandma / Grandpa Jokes
- A woman and an infant were waiting patiently in the examining room at the doctors office. The doctor came in and the woman explained that she was worried the baby wasn't gaining enough weight. "Is the baby breast-fed or bottle-fed?" the doctor asked her.
She replied "Breast-fed."
"Strip down to the waist," he ordered. The woman did, and the doctor proceeded to examine her breasts, kneading each one carefully, and gently squeezing each of her nipples. "Well, I see the problem," he told her. "You have no milk in your breasts."
"I know," she replied. "I'm his grandma, but I'm SO glad my daughter had me bring the baby in today ..."
- Grandma and Grandpa retired to their bedroom one night, and climbed into bed. Grandpa was tired and started to doze off, but Grandma was feeling a little amorous, and wanted to talk.
"Honey," she said, "do you remember when we were young? You use to hold my hand in bed." Grandpa reached over and after a few fumbles found her hand and gave it a good squeeze, then relaxed once more.
"And then you used to kiss me." Grandma said softly. The old man sighed, then sat up, leaned over on pecked her on the cheek. He then lay back and rolled over.
"And sometimes you would softly bite the side of my neck," his wife said with her sexiest voice. Exasperated, Grandpa threw back the covers, sat up and made his way toward the bathroom. "Where are you going?" she asked worriedly.
"To find my damn teeth!"
- As I was walking down the street, I noticed a little boy of about 6 sitting on the steps of a house , crying his young eyes out, and seated nearby was an elderly man in a wheelchair, also crying terribly. Concerned, I stopped and asked the old man if he was okay. He just continued streaming tears and pointed to the little boy. I leaned over to the youngster and asked him what was wrong.
"That's the same thing Grandpa asked me," said the boy through his tears. "And I told him I really, really wish I could do what my 20 year-old brother could do. That's when he started crying!"
I thought about for a minute, then sat down and cried too.
Heart Attack Jokes
- A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. Gazing at his smiling wrinkled face, she said to him, "I couldn't help noticing just how happy you look. Please, what's your secret for a long happy life?"
"I just survived a triple bypass heart surgery, my dear," he said, "and I have a few secrets. See, I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day, and drink a case of whiskey a week. I always eat fatty foods, never exercise, have sex with wild women and occasionally partake of heavy drugs."
"That's amazing," the woman said. "And if I might ask, how old are you?"
"Twenty-six," he said.
- A 92 year-old man went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm.
At his follow up visit the doctor talked to the man and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
The man replied, "Just doing what you told me Doc, remember? You said 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful'."
The doctor said, "I didn't say that ... I said you've got a heart murmur, and need to be careful!"
- An elderly man and woman met at a retirement home, and started dating. Soon the old man plucked up his courage, and asked his new friend back to his room, where they could maybe get more comfortable. The woman grinned with a mischievous look in her eye, and agreed.
Back in his room, she leaned in close to him and said softly "I really must warn you that we need to go slowly. You see, I have acute angina."
He stepped back, looking concerned, then a smile spread across his wrinkled old face. He held her close and whispered in her ear, "Yeah, well your boobies are darn nice, too!"
Laughter Really Is The Best Medicine
The best doctors and nurses at the hospital are the ones who make you smile, and the best of these are the ones who know some really good jokes. My last visit to the the local Healing Hotel was made much easier by the attitude of two wonderful nurses, who tried to outdo the other's jokes each time they came in. I thank them for helping me to laugh, despite my discomfort.
Our time together is limited, and life is far too short not to spend as much time as possible laughing, smiling and being as happy as you can. Spread smiles and laughter to those around you every day, and you will always have friends who want you near.
Now, you'll have to excuse me, because I laughed so hard I think the tears are running down my leg ... (there's an image you probably DIDN'T want!) ..
Grins and giggles ...
From Grandpa's Heart ...